#2 What I thought was love.

Beth captured this freedom story through a personal interview with someone who wished to stay anonymous ♡

Before him, I had it all figured out. I was career-driven, independent, and had no intention of settling for anything less than success. Kids? Not on my radar. I was focused, determined, and full of possibility. My mindset? Unstoppable. Nothing could bring me down—I was happy, healthy, and full of light.

Back then, I believed love was simple. That when you’re in a relationship, people don’t hurt each other. I’d seen my mam go through a toxic one, but I thought, that’ll never be me. I didn’t even have the lens to recognise the signs.

It started innocently. We were friends—just friends—for months. He was the first guy who didn’t use me for my body. It was pure at first, hours and hours spent together, getting close. He grew on me. And slowly, he became part of me.

The first red flag came when I told him my body count. He kept bringing it up, shaming me. I already didn’t like that part of myself—he just twisted the knife. He made me feel disgusting. And somehow, I started to believe he was right.

From there, everything dimmed. My self-esteem crumbled. He made me think I was lucky to have him at all—that I couldn’t do better. I gained a bit of weight. He shamed me for that too, said he had me “at my prime.” I was always sad. Never a day where I felt pure happiness beside him. Never a day I felt free.

We broke up and got back together—over and over. Every ending was explosive. He’d send hundreds of messages, call me names, scare me into silence. I was terrified. But a week later, he’d come back sweet, say everything I wanted to hear… and I’d go back. Again and again. I felt like I couldn’t leave, no matter how much I wanted to.

Then one night, something shifted. I wasn’t sure if he was going to hit me. He didn’t, but he came close. He swirled his drink in my face. He threw ketchup and rice all over my car—my car—when I had to take my little brother to school the next morning. I looked at the mess and just… broke.

Until then, I’d kept everything from my mam. But after that, I couldn’t hide it. She became my lifeline. She helped me find the strength to walk away.

What came next wasn’t a fairy tale. It was pain. I didn’t know how to live without him, even though he was the one drowning me. I spiralled. Depressive episodes. Avoided guys completely. Couldn’t even look at one without shutting down.

But I also started to rebuild. I went to the gym. I left the house more. I surrounded myself with friends—even if alcohol sometimes blurred the process. Socialising helped. Feeling normal helped. Meeting new people reminded me I was still here.

I stopped seeing myself through his eyes. I started to think, maybe I’m not ugly. Maybe I’m not disgusting. I couldn’t even shower with the light on before. Now, I can. I’m more confident. I see how being with a narcissist rewired my brain—and I’ve been slowly rewiring it back.

I learned something huge: love shouldn’t feel like addiction. It shouldn’t feel like control or fear. Love should be freedom. Happiness. Being with someone who lifts you up—not someone who tells you who you can and can’t see. Not someone who decides your worth.

Now, freedom to me feels like a breath of fucking fresh air. I have a career ahead of me again. I’ve stepped back onto the path I was meant to be on before he pulled me off it. I’m not dating just to fill a gap. I’m dating when it feels right for me.

One of the biggest things I’ve reclaimed? My body. It used to feel like it belonged to him. Now, it’s mine. And always will be.

My advice? Don’t give up. Just keep trying to leave. Don’t be scared to stand up for yourself. Even if you go back ten times—try for an eleventh. One day it will stick.

And remember this: If you wouldn’t want your daughter to be spoken to like that, don’t let anyone speak to you like that either.

I’m going to move back to Poland in the future. Not to start a family—not yet. That wasn’t even my dream. That was his. I’m going back to chase my dream. The one I forgot I had.

If you’re still stuck in the cycle, I want you to hear this: You are strong. You are not crazy. And how are you even still standing? Be proud. You made it through something not everyone understands.

It’s hard to get out. But you can. Keep trying until you do.

-Anonymous ♡

Anonymous Profile - For Perspective:

Freedom Story: #2

Age: 21

Nationality: Polish

Location during interview: UK

Relationship Length: 3 years (on and off)

Time since leaving: 7 months

Soundtrack for this story: Say you wont let go by James Authur

Conducted in April 2025.